Are You Stuck In Shame?

Shame Keeps Us Stuck. Taking Responsibility Frees Us.

How often have you felt guilty or “ashamed” about yourself or about something you did?

For example, have you ever felt “ashamed” about:

  • yelling at your kids?
  • being overweight?
  • drinking one too many glasses of wine the night before?
  • not being further along in your career than you “should” be?

As Don Miguel Ruiz writes: “Human beings are the only species on the planet who punish themselves over and over again.”

Repeatedly feeling ashamed just keeps us stuck.

How Can You Take Responsibility Instead of Sitting in Shame?

When I feel “shame,” it is because of my thinking. It is an emotion that really doesn’t move me forward.

When I feel guilty or ashamed, I try to be curious and compassionate about why I am thinking that way.

Then I do my best to take Responsibility for what I am feeling badly about.

For example, if I yelled at my kids (which never happens 😀) and I didn’t want to, I might feel ashamed.

However, if I take responsibility for yelling and admit I was wrong, my shame dissipates.

I can say to my child, “I am sorry I yelled, but I was very angry that you lied to me about X.” If this happens again, rather than yelling at you, I am going to enforce the consequence of Y.”

How Taking Responsibility Can Free Us of Shame

In response to the questions above, ask yourself this – instead of feeling ashamed…

  • How can I take responsibility for my weight and health, and also get support to help me lose it?
  • How can I take responsibility for drinking too much and make a plan to not do it again?
  • How can I take responsibility for where I am in my career and make a plan to figure out my next steps?

As with everything, remember to be curious and compassionate about your “shame” first.

Then see how you can take responsibility – even in the tiniest way.

Try it, and let me know if you feel more FREE!

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Kathy McCabe
Life Coach

Learn To LOVE It When Someone Says “No” To You

Learning to not take things personally is such a gift to yourself.

I am a sensitive person.

I love it when people say “yes” to me. I love it when people want to be my friend, receive my blogs, or coach with me.

I have now learned, after several decades of living and plenty of coaching, to love it when people say “no” to me. It is a skill I have to practice.

If someone doesn’t want to be friends with me, or if someone unsubscribes from my email list or isn’t interested in my coaching, they are simply not “my people” –– and that is a good thing!

I don’t want to bother those people who are not interested in me or in what I do, or those people whose personalities or thinking don’t “fit” with mine. They may not be curious about me. They may not want any more friends. They may not share my values or my interests. They may not be ready for coaching – or maybe they simply don’t care about my work.

These people are not wrong or bad.

Like I tell my kids, friends are like clothes. Some fit and some don’t. It’s OK when they don’t fit. There are other options!

Unless I have done something to hurt someone, which I always try to avoid, I don’t make it about me.

Find Freedom In Being The Real You

It is so freeing to think that another person’s rejection is not about me.

It gives me permission to say what I think and feel, with kindness.

It gives me permission to be bold with my work: to write and speak about what I am passionate about – and to make offerings that I believe will truly help people.

It gives me permission to love those people who don’t “like” me or want to hear from me.

It gives me permission to be the Real Me.

Tips For Learning To Think: “It’s Not About Me”

The next time someone says “No” to you or doesn’t do what You Want, consider these ideas:

  1. Is Their “No” Really About Them? Ask yourself if the other person’s “no,” rejection, or refusal is really just about their own struggles or desires. If someone says “no” or doesn’t like you, it is more often about them – not about you. I love to remind myself: “Everyone Is Fighting A Battle That You Don’t Know About.”
  2. Own Your Contribution To The Situation. It is powerful to see what you did or didn’t do to create the situation. If you asked for a raise and your boss said “No,” notice where you might not have worked hard enough. If you truly believe there was nothing else you could have done, see how the “No” could be about so many things unrelated to your true value. For example, the “No” could be about the economy, the company’s budget, or the company’s values to not adequately reward employees.
  3. View The Situation From A Balcony. Pretend you are sitting in a balcony watching you and the other person or situation unfold. See if you can get a better perspective from a distance.
  4. What Would You Say To Your Best Friend? Pretend the situation is happening to your best friend instead of you. Notice what you would tell your friend to depersonalize the situation.

When we can depersonalize other people’s behavior towards us, we create so much FREEDOM within ourselves. This freedom allows us to be who we are meant to be in this world.

Here’s To Creating More Freedom in Your Life!



Kathy McCabe
Life Coach

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